I'm a MOM!!!!!

“Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.”

Being a mom is the greatest miracle of all.  When I look at Ryan I am completely amazed and my heart melts every single time. Having a baby is the craziest and most amazing experience there is, or at least that I have experienced, and I have done a lot of stuff in my 30 years.  The love you feel for this little being that you created is the greatest love of all, I can't imagine anything else could come close.  Becoming parents with Eric has brought us even closer than I had ever imagined, we together created this little guy and could not possibly love him anymore.

Being a mom is definitely the hardest and scariest job in the world too.  It's the job you love to do and always do 100% or at least try, moms really are super women.  Some nights after the bottles are clean and baby is sleeping I wonder if I can fly yet.  I think you can never be as prepared as you want to be, there is no learning curve, you are thrown right in, luckily it comes very naturally.  I couldn't believe when my mom, other moms, and even doctors were asking me what we wanted to do about my baby, half of my head was thinking how the hell am I supposed to know you're the professional, and the other half knew exactly what was best for my baby and what I wanted for him.  It takes a lot of patience which I have never had, but am learning.  It takes a ton of strength which I learned I had very early on when he stayed in the NICU.  It takes complete compromise of anything you had planned or wanted to do.  It takes giving up the life you led and giving up your position as a priority because your new priority is this precious, innocent, and completely helpless perfect little baby and your life now revolves around him.  It takes letting up control because you really don't have any.  Someone told me "once you realize you have no control, you have gained total control."  It takes responsibility at all times because you never know when he is going to need me the most.  It is the scariest job out there, every whimper, every cry, every sad face, sleepless nights, temperatures, rashes, etc etc it all freaks me out every single time.  I spend my time doing/worrying/enjoying very different things these days and have really tried to live in the moment because if I look ahead he has already grown and I have missed something.  And then I have cried many tears because I don't think I'm doing it all good enough, there is a lot to do!    I learned that running in circles for an entire day one thing after another and not really accomplishing everything is completely normal, really I accomplished a ton just not the same stuff as before.  My house isn't as spic and span as I used to like it, my laundry is never done, the bed isn't made, and I don't even mind or maybe don't have time to notice.  Maternity leave made me realize just how underpaid and under appreciated stay at home moms really are.  Being a mom takes a lot of creativity and flexibility.  It is impossible to explain but understood completely by only a mom.  Being a mom is the absolute best and I am sooo thankful for my little Ryan.

Going to work was okay the first week and then went straight downhill.  I know what separation anxiety is now, and post-pardum depression and what completely overwhelmed trying to find a way to do it all in very hours feels like.  I know what a extreme sense of guilt feels like when I want to go to the gym or go to dinner with friends when I could be spending time with him.  I thank my husband Eric for always being my rock and for giving me a hug.  I hate hate hate being away from my little guy all day but it's what I have to do and it makes the weekends that much sweeter I guess.  I have learned to cherish every moment I have with him.  And hey if I come home to this face everyday I know it's worth it to give him the best life he deserves.

Ryan is anything and everything we have ever wanted.  He's absolutely adorable, he's sweet as can be, when he smiles and talks we are the happiest we have ever been.  Babies truly are a miracle and a blessing and the greatest love of all.  I always knew there was no one quite like a mom, because I've been lucky to have the best myself, but when you are actually the mom, WOW!